Something Changed (My Magnus Opus)

I recently turned 35 years old! Usually, I just move right through my birthdays without much thought, but this one was different than all of the rest. For some reason there was an unusual realization of time. I know I'm not old, but I suddenly understood that I am getting older; that I've lived a lot of life, witnessed and experienced a lot of pain, and cried and laughed and loved and gained and lost a great deal for one man. I noticed the pain in my back and wrinkles on my face haven't gone away. I was startled by the thought that 20 year old young men and women look at me like a father. I gasped at the fact that 35 is half of 70 and that my uncles and aunts are in their 70's and my grandmother died in her 70's and that was 25 years ago. I realized that I don't want my children to grow up anymore; that I want them to stay just like they are. I was shaken by the thought that I want time to stop.

But I also realized there's a good chance that I may have another 35 years; that I may have another 35 years to love and live and heal and cry and forgive and help and hope and give and strengthen and build and pray and preach and listen and care.

I realized that there are 5 people (my wife and 4 children) that I'm not expendable to. I realized that my babies are going to grow up and be my best friends tomorrow, so I better cultivate that friendship now, making sure they are indeed my best friends tomorrow. I realized that I actually have some friends that are good and faithful more than they are bad and unfaithful. I realized that I have some people that I can call at midnight. I realized that when they act stupid and forget me, they are important enough to remind them to not forget me anymore. I realized that I have been bad and unfaithful at times. I realized that I have forgotten them sometimes. I realized I had better pick the phone up at midnight when they call.

I realized a smile goes a long way. I realized that I haven't been laughing enough and laughing is fun. I found that I am at my wisest when I'm just listening and shaking my head up and down and saying "uh huh".

I realized people are fallible, very important, but fallible. I realized people are going to lie to me, ignore my wife and I, talk about us, use us, think they're better than us, forget us, and a million other things that fallible people do. And, to my surprise, I realized I didn't mind that as much as I used to; that I've come to expect it and can always forgive them and act like I don't recall all of the bad things they've done to us when they come back around and bless us. And I realized that I want them to come back around ... if they want to. And if they don't want to come back around, I can hope they are happy. I realized they are hurting, too, and that I can choose to heal, even if they do not.

I realized that the pure in heart see God; that all things are working for me and not against me. I realized that God has used every person in my life (family, friend and foe) to make me a better Christian, husband, father, friend, and preacher. I realized pride and selfishness are two of the most deadly things in the world because they build walls and shut life out.

I realized that, that although He wants my best, God knows I'm human and doesn't expect me to be anything but human; that He doesn't expect greatness out of me; He wants me to die, so He can be great through me. I realized that through Christ I can be truly free, liberated from this world.

I also was overcome by the thought that my days are few and that I must make the most of them. So, since I'm blessed enough to have a hand full of people that actually care enough about me to read this little note, I promise you, I am going to love, live, and bless more the second half of my life than I did the first.

(To be continued...)

David Lamb